*A NOTE ABOUT SPOILERS: This review does not contain spoilers for A Feast for Crows. HOWEVER, it does contain spoilers for the previous installment (A Storm of Swords). Proceed with caution. Also, George RR Martin did not actually write this. Because duh.
Hey everyone, George RR Martin here. I thought I’d take some time off from planning my intricate and complex storylines (spoiler alert: everyone has sex with everyone and then kills each other) to introduce A Feast for Crows, the long-awaited fourth installment in my epic fantasy series! You guys are in for a treat, this one is awesome.
So the last book was quite a ride, huh? There was that craziness that was the Weddings of Death, Tyrion killed his father, Jon Snow finally got cool and is now Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, Arya continued to be a tiny BAMF, Bran looked like he was finally moving towards a real plot, and Daenerys decided to temporarily shelve her whole unleash-the-dogs-of-war plan and be a queen for a while. Also I made Christmas come early for Madeline when I killed off Catelyn Stark, only to bring all her hopes and dreams crashing down when it turned out that Catelyn is a zombie now and will never die. Tee hee hee.
Anyway, with all that cool stuff, you probably thought that this book was going to be made of awesome, what with all the fallout from the stuff I described above. And it will be, but unfortunately my attention to detail and complex storylines finally came back to bite me in the ass, and it turns out I couldn’t devote an entire book to all the plots I started in the last book. So I divided them into two volumes, and saved all the cool people for Book Five. Want to read about Jon Snow, Daenerys, and Tyrion? Too fucking bad.
Don’t worry though, this means we get to meet lots of fun new characters, like Theon’s crazy uncles and a lot of random people from Dorne. They each get just one chapter, of course, because they only exist so I can have a perspective to show all these events from (my changing single-character viewpoint structure has also begun to bite me in the ass) and you’ll probably never see them again, but that’s what makes it fun!
It’s not all bad, at least – Arya’s still here, even though she’s not doing much murdering or really anything. This is where Arya learns how to be more awesome, so she can wreck everyone’s shit later – or maybe not, because in the last chapter we see her in, she’s just gone blind. Is it temporary, or permanent? You’ll just have to buy the next book and find out (maybe)!
And hey, I gave you guys some Cersei chapters, finally. And yes, she’s just as much of a psycho bitch as you always suspected. You’re welcome. Also Jaime chapters – bet you didn’t think he would turn out to be one of the only decent characters in the series, huh? (of course, if he’s becoming one of the good guys, that means I’ll probably murder him soon) And there are more Samwell Tarly chapters! Everyone loves reading about Sam, right? Guys? Guys? Where are you going?
Don’t worry, the next book will be all about Tyrion and Daenerys and Bran (look, it’s going to pay off soon, I swear. Really guys, he’s going to be interesting eventually.) and all the other cool characters that I totally ignored in this book and that you really wanted to read about. As for all the character-based cliffhangers I established in this book, will they be resolved in the next volume? Probably not! I am George RR Martin, and I demand your money and your tears!
PS: Quit bitching at me to write faster. You’ll get your books when I say you get them, and not a day sooner. Don’t push me, or the next volume published will be titled A Siege of Tears and it’ll be nothing but Jon Snow, Bran Stark, and Samwell Tarly sitting around and thinking about how inadequate they are. Do not test me on this, nerds.
Verdict: two out of five stars